Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
