I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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