textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
operation harelip BJ is a go
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
