I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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