i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
