You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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