Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
