Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
