Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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