My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
