john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just invented taco cereal.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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