hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
