Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
