So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
