Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
