Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
