I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
