Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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