Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
