i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
FUCK WHALES
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