well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
