I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize