Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm bleeding and have questions
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
