i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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