he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I have fence marks all over my body
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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