I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize