First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
