It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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