There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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