A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Vodka?
Forever.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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