my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm jealous of your bromance
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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