My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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