Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
