I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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