he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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