So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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