I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
