Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize