There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
