HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
