I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
