Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
