i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
