dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
