smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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