a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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