their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
