my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
