dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
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