I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
