I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
