Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
