My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
