can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
