I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize