is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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