I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
