i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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