Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize