Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
