Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
